I've moved to Tumblr. =)

ramble: grace > Law ........ relationship > religion

To receive grace is to receive something completely undeserved.

And we stand, soak, breathe in God's grace.

We are loved when we deliberately turn from Him. We are loved when we stumble. We are loved when we walk forward. We are loved when we surrender. We are loved when we transform. We are loved when we remain stagnant. We are loved when we reject Him. We are loved when we spite ourselves. We are loved when we look to Him. We are loved when we pray. We are loved when we rely on ourselves. We are loved when we are crippled in fear and shame. We are loved when we are living in freedom. We are loved when we are addicted to x, y, z. We are loved when we love. We are loved when we hate. We are loved when we pretend to be someone we're not. We are loved when we are everything we were created to be.

We stand in God's grace.

May His grace propel us... not to being a "better person", or to heartier intercessory prayers, or to sobriety from alcohol and drugs, or to contrived, self-conceived "warmth" for one another, or to bigger, better fellowships and ministries.

Our ultimate goal is never to be holier, better, nicer people. Purity and consecration are fatally important, but that transformation isn't on us, it's on the Holy Spirit.

And "religious" people (me me me...) like it or not, it has never been about the outside. But it is "a new creation that counts" (Romans 6:15): Jesus Christ's blood covering us.

That is why...

I stand in God's grace.

Nothing I can do or say can earn or rob me of my inheritance... before Christ, I was an orphan. With Christ, I've undeservedly become royalty.

Don't get me wrong. It really isn't about how holy we are, and how good we are at evangelizing, and how big our hearts are for the poor and broken (actually, it's not about us at all)...

But I'm not saying grace is license to sin.

God's kindness is so that I'm led to repentance. Yum. Fun word! It doesn't mean God is being nice so He can trick me into a religious contract, but because in repentance (means to change one's mind to Jesus...), God knows there is life, freedom, love waiting for those who CHOOSE to know Him.

In plain terms? God is nice to us... so we turn and see how nice He is... and in our eyes opening to how nice and cuddly and awesome yet powerful and fearsome and ownage He is... we find ourselves silly in love.

In plainer terms? God being nice to us = us turning to Him = us walking out in real freedom, joy, peace, love, life...

Blahblahblahblah...

All of that said: Really there's no formula. Just grace. Yeah that's right you straight A bookworm nerd uptight probably Asian who need to have everything down by the book. NO FORMULA. JUST GRACE!! =)

You can't even force yourself into a revelation of God's grace. Or it's not really a revelation, right? Hahah. Sorry to break the striving and fighting alone and self-dependence, but you're gonna have to ask God for it. And there's not even a prayer template I can give you. You have to be real. If you have the desire for this revelation of God's love for you, a deeper heart understanding of the Cross, you've already won half the battle =) So ask the One who is crazy about you. ...And trust me, no matter how long or short or not ever you've been Christian, we ALL are in dire need of this revelation... No one graduates out of the Gospel.

Anywho.

Nobody falls deeper in love and has passion for Christ because of their own strength or because of mustered up human enthusiasm or even because of sound theology. But because of God's love. Because of God's grace.

That is the power of Jesus Christ's burning passion on the Cross. That is the power of Grace. To make generations and generations of Mankind believe in and transform and live and die for Someone who can't even be seen. Not out of self-promotion, but out of love and passion and honor..

"It is way beyond religion, way beyond minds of man, way beyond our thinking... Help us receive, help us receive Your love..." -Jason Upton's Into The Sky

When I receive the heart revelation of Jesus Christ's passion displayed for me on the Cross, I can't help but lose taste for alcohol and for attention from boys and for my huge list of ugly addictions and idols. It's like falling in love. It IS falling in love. I just change without almost my own consent. I get selfless and it confuses and amazes me at the way I've changed in the past two years and how I continue to change. I mean... the change might just be a little, and heck, no one else may even have noticed that I've changed... but I know. I feel the change in heart and I see in myself these changes. And God sees, and is honored and crazy happy over not necessarily the fruit, but my heart and will behind it.

And I guess when I forget the Gospel... it's like falling out of love, and I'm significantly more easily tempted by the things I used to do (and some still do). I'm learning that it's during this "dry" season when the Lord wants me to trudge through and remain faithful without His hand carrying me. To not be over-reliant on emotions, but to be loyal thick and thin to the promises I've made Him and to this relationship I chose, out of my own free will, to give my everything to. I'm learning. And it's getting more fun, only because I am realizing that it's during these times of trials and tests when I feel like God is a billion miles away... that I'm not being ditched by God, but I'm actually being molded by His very hands.

... Anyway. Who said anything about religion?

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

surrender

be still

Point blank:

Life is so much more purposeful, simpler, and sweeter when it is all about You, Jesus.

Colossians 3:1-17

Still

"Hide me now under Your wing
Cover me within Your mighty hands

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still, know You are God

Find rest my soul in Christ alone
Know His power in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

And I will be still, know You are God"

Have faith in God. He has faith in you...

created to worship...period.

While talking with a handful of brothers and sisters in the past week and listening to issues which resonate with my current inner struggles (God is so nice.. tank you for sending encouragement through Your church), my mind returned to this particular section of the book over and over...and I want to share this wealth with you!! Reading this book, particularly this passage, was such a fresh reminder of who I am. AHH the sweet freedom and power of fulfilling my very reason of existence.

Excerpt from Ch. 13: God's Army of Worshipers

The Three Battlegrounds by Francis Frangipane 

An in-depth view of the three arenas of spiritual warfare: The mind, the church, and the heavenly places

"One does not have to pentrate deeply into the Revelation of John to discover that both God and the devil are seeking worshipers (see Revelation 7:11, 13:4, 14:7, 11). Time and time again the line is drawn between those who 'worship the beast and his image' and those who worship God.

In the last great battle before Jesus returns, the outcome of every man's life shall be weighed upon a scale of worship: in the midst of warfare and battles to whom will we bow, God or Satan?...We must realize the essence of this battle is the central issue in our warfare today. Will we faithfully worship God during satanic assault and temptation? True worship must emerge now in the context of our daily lives, for no man will worship through the great battles of tomorrow who complains in the mere skirmishes of today.

...Although the events of our lives are irreversible, our reactions to those events can still be changed. As our wrong reactions to the past change, we change. In other words, although we cannot alter the past, we can put our past upon the 'altar' as an act of worship. A worshiping heart truly allows God to restore the soul.

All of us receive a portion of both good and evil in this world. But for life to be good, God, who is the essence of life, must reach into our experiences and redeem us from our negative reactions. The channel through which the Lord extends Himself, even into our past, is our love and worship of Him.

'And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God' (Romans 8:28). The key for the fulfillment of this verse is that we become lovers of God in our spirits. Bad things become good for 'those who love God.' When we are given to loving Him, all that we have passed through in life is washed and redeemed in that love. Bad becomes good by the power of God.

Therefore, it is essential to both the salvation of our souls and our protection in warfare that we be worshipers. The ship which safely carries us through the storms of adversity is worship.

Psalm 83 expresses in praise to God the wonderful effect worship has upon the soul. 'How blessed is the man whose strength is in You, in whose heart are the highways to Zion! Passing through the valley of Baca [weeping] they make it a spring; the early rain also covers it with blessings' (v. 5-6).

If you are 'ever praising' God (Psalm 84:4), your worship of God will transform the negative assault of the enemy into 'a spring' of sweet refreshing waters. No matter what befalls a worshiper, their 'valley of weeping' always becomes a spring covered 'with blessings.' You cannot successfully engage in warfare, nor pass safely through the wilderness of this life, without first becoming a worshiper of God.

We were created for God's pleasure. We were not created to live for ourselves but for Him. And while the Lord desires that we enjoy His gifts and His people, He would have us know we were created first for His pleasure. In these closing moments of this age, the Lord will have a people whose purpose for living is to please God with their lives. In them, God finds His own reward for creating man. They are His worshipers. They are on earth only to please God, and when He is pleased, they also are pleased.

The Lord takes them farther and through more pain and conflicts than any other men. Outwardly, they often seem "smitten of God, and afflicted" (Isaiah 53:4). Yet to God, they are His beloved. When they are crushed, like the petals of a flower, they exude a worship, the fragrance of which is so beautiful and rare that angels weep in quiet awe at their surrender. They are the Lord's purpose for creation.

One would think that God would protect them, guarding them in such a way that they would not be marred. Instead, they are marred more than others. Indeed, the Lord seems pleased to crush them, putting them to grief. For in the midst of their physical and emotional pain, their loyalty to Christ grows pure and perfect. And in the face of persecutions, their love and worship toward God become all-consuming.

Would that all Christ's servants were so perfectly surrendered. Yet God finds His pleasure in us all. But as the days of the kingdom draw near and the warfare at the end of this age increases, those who have been created solely for hte worship of God will come forth in the power and glory of the Son. With the high praises of God in their mouth, they will execute upon His enemies the judgment written (see Psalm 149). They will lead as generals in the Lord's army of worshipers."

AMEN.

I want to desire and seek God's presence above all other hassles and distractions in our daily lives. As we return to classes and/or work, and as the urgency of being warriors of Christ becomes drowned out by our obligations (religious or secular, doesn't matter), family, friends, enemies, blessings and trials alike, let's retaliate and become increasingly intentional on loving on the One who creates. There is no fruit without deep, real intimacy with Him. NONE.

Our sole purpose is the bring glory to God, through our lives as a fragrant offering of worship. Not NECESSARILY about saving souls, nor about our ministries, nor about our callings and visions.

Life ain't about our boyfriends and girlfriends, nor about our education, nor about our financial success.

Nay, not about how much our life sucks, not about how many people gossip about us, not about what the world says about our identity.

Nooooope, it's not about striving and fighting alone to bear fruit, it's not about being bound by Law. It's not about how righteous or holy we look, and it's not about perfection.

It's about living in the freedom and joy of doing all things for our First Love.

AHHH WOOP WOOP... HERE I COME SPRING SEMESTER, IMMA OWN YOU! In the name of Jesus. LOL. (...Jesus. Help. T_T)

Blessed are the poor in spirit...help me God T_T

"The spirit of entitlement comes into the heart of a person who rejects being poor in spirit. Rejecting poor in spirit leads to the ultimate poverty. Being poor in spirit is that place of humility, where you realize that everything comes simply as a gift of grace: nothing is deserved. Awareness of this grace keeps us from that proud and arrogant and demanding spirit of entitlement... When the blessing of the Lord is on your life, if it doesn't lead you to gratitude for grace, it will lead you to arrogance and misuse of power." - Bill Johnson

whatchu lookin at

DANG!

i got owned ths semester. in both good and unnecessary/bad ways.

here are some things i learned, re-learned, and re-learned once again. things that God helped stamp deeper in my heart. some of my thoughts as i reflect upon what the crap happened to me. i thought maybe you might be curious, in case you heard or first-hand noticed how i took soooome..side..steps- WHICH i sincerely hope has not affected your own walk. i think people adopted me as their role model because they mistakenly judged me based upon God's anointing, rather than my actual character, which is a lot less pretty without God, and which many people from church really don't know or see unless they caught me with a glass of beer at a lounge in DC or when i am taking a Geology exam- both, i would say, are equally disappointing scenes. i'm working on it. or, better said, Jesus is working on it.

i'm still learning, and will be learning til the day i die. i'm growing, and will be growing til the day i die. i may fall, but i really have NOTHING going for me aside from my relationship with God.

so don't worry guys, if i quit living for God, i am doomed. really. i'm doomed. when i look back on the last 22 years, i see exactly the moments when either i or God shut the door to a potentially awesome (and secular) future. i've got NOTHING. i'm an absolute loser by the standards of this world. i have an embarrassing GPA at a school that is a little too famous for what it offers. i work 6 hours a week at Oak Marr recreation center. i have a 2001 mazda 626. i'm REALLY bad at dancing and i tend to nearly break a bone when i try to walk in heels.

...i can't tell if i'm crying or bragging.

anyway. definitely want to rant at myself before losing my thoughts as i study for finals (see? character! ... procrastination must also go. after this entry. maybe.)

revival.

we be talking about revival all day.

i know i want revival, i know you want revival, i know God wants revival.

revival comes from stirring God's heart. we stir His heart when we stop focusing on ourselves and start looking at Him.

so...what was that? revival??? we're not going anywhere til we stop treating this so-called running marathon like some beatdown, who-can-say-"shame on you"-the-most-creatively-and-frequently, condemnation contest to the finish line.

religious leaders, could you PLEASE look to Jesus and not on your ministry? stop pitying yourself and stop saluting yourself. it's not about US, and it never actually was about US.

you want people to change their ways? you want people to be more faithful, consistent, on fire, genuinely discipled? then put your wagging finger down and take your baggage up with God. guilt and fear will never ever motivate anybody to stop their habits or addictions, at least not for very long. it is ONLY by God's love.

"God's KINDNESS should lead you to repentance" Romans 2:4. by His kindness we turn, not by guilt and condemnation, nor by pure human effort. even if you do turn purely out of your own strength, sorry but God's not impressed by man's strength or anybody's religiosity. He's impressed and "delights in those who place their hope in His unfailing love" Psalm 147:11 He LOVES when we turn solely out of love for Him, when we turn because we receive His love, and there's not one person in existence in the past, future, or now who has loved God BEFORE they experienced God's love FIRST

so sermons and not even necessarily prayers are gonna cut it. discipleship programs and even our own ability to love aren't even enough. sorry but human love without constant encounters with God is just HUMAN love, not God's. don't get cocky now, it's actually really pathetic compared to true agape love.

change requires encounters with the Father's heart. encounters with Him requires actually LOOKING at Him.

self is the most dangerous and deepest form of idolatry of them all. i'm seeing people in positions of authority making their ministries all about them. i'm seeing believers left and right making their faith journeys all about them. how else can we explain the divides in the Church, all the bashing, pointing fingers, pedestal-placing, boasting of self, self-pitying...

truth is, it ain't about you. if you're judging people, if you're pitying yourself, if you're easily disappointed with others, if you're just making everything a little bit too much about people, the things of this world, and not on the Father, then you are making it all about you.

i'm not writing this to condemn anyone. these are all things that i've been learning for myself, why i get angry and annoyed and frustrated at others and myself.

i'm telling you! when God disciplines you and is taking you through processes of healing and discipleship, do NOT pity yourself, do NOT become hardened and bitter. i repeat: do NOT pity yourself!! it will cost you way way way more time and hurt than necessary.

self-pity just made my semester extremely more difficult than it should have. crap happened, people hurt me, and it had this domino effect of just vividly digging up my past as far as the 7th grade

if ONLY i'd just stopped to surrender everything instead of being busy feeling sorry for myself. because i'm pretty sure God allowed everything that happened to happen so that i would turn and receive healing from Him.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

i'm not saying that being sad is a bad thing at all

but you can be sad and say "God is in control" (Godly sorrow)

or you can be sad and say "God isn't in control, I am." (worldly sorrow)

or you can be like me and be beyond sad, be pitiful and say "GOD'S NOT IN CONTROL AND NEITHER AM I, FML (forgive me Lord)" (worldly sorrow, but you don't even "win" to this world's standard)

basically. i am only happy when i put my eyes and heart on Jesus. i descend in a very depressing, anxiety-consumed, progressively downward spiral when i don't. =)

you wanna hear God's voice? walk in the guidance of His Spirit? live in transformative power, wisdom, and love? CHANGE THE WORLD!?!?!?

let's put our hearts on Christ. let's look into the eyes which furiously burn for our love. let's be changed by Him and be used to change.

"...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Please help celebrate my 22nd birthday with me!

Janet's Birthday for a Cause

"How am I then a villain
To counsel Cassio to this parallel course,
Directly to his good?
Divinity of hell!
When devils will the blackest sins put on
They do suggest at first with heavenly shows
As I do now."

Othello

There are some days when I just get blasted by nostalgia. Today... One of those days haha. But something's different. Less of bitter, more of sweet? There isn't a certain memory or person I'm lulling over, and there's no residue of the coulda-woulda-shouldas. I'm enjoying who I am and the story that made this person.

I won't let my past dictate my present. However, I won't forget or discard where I come from and what I've seen and done. As hard as it can be sometimes, I'll live in gratitude of all that makes me into me.

I'm recognizing the reality of the control I have over my life and that I'm even responsible for my sense of individuality, peace, happiness.

It's up to me to allow or refuse my past, my mistakes to control me. It's TIRING to try and be someone I'm not and don't even like to be, attempting to compensate for worth I never lacked. Man it feels awesome to actually like me for ME, to be totally fine being in my own skin. I like that I'm awkward. I like that I can love, as minuscule as it can be. I like that I'm even oversensitive, because I'd rather be so than apathetic. I like that I'm actually an introvert, and that it's okay to want to be alone, it's okay to not be constantly outgoing. I like that I have all the ability, potential, and intelligence to do anything I put my heart and mind into.

Daily, it's OUR decision - no one else to blame - to be disabled by guilt and shame, paralyzed with fear, because of our pains and failures. We can just as simply choose to live in that freedom which comes from having some real faith in ourselves.

Yeah so news flash: I'm imperfect. I always have been and I always will be. But there's so much freedom in being okay with that and choosing to believe in my utmost value and potential - unconditional to what people think about me and what my past and my failures say about me.

It's my right to look forward with hope, to recognize my worth, and to fulfill my potential in all areas of life. As human beings, don't we deserve at least this?

"Morning of America" - Blue Scholars

"Reflections and questions and not enough answers
The rise of gang banging was the death of the Panthers
Short shorts, tube socks, city a boondocks
Everywhere somebody trying to moon walk
Rocksteady Crew, jams with Steve Pool
Sight beyond sight
Yo I pulled roots like Super Mario 2
A bowl full of Cheerios
Looking back just say no was not enough
To sweep dust under carpet when the visitors came
Cities became, and temporary wealth manifested in chains
MJ became chosen, free Mandela was the slogan of the moment
To the mobile DJs with the pompadour fades
Rocking Debbie Deb and Stevie P all day
When I hear music I can't wait to rock
New shoes nothing less than some fresh high tops and
Things happen for a reason they say
But I say there's a reason things happen
And it wasn't all good way back in the day
Struggled then struggled now still standing
Things happen for a reason they say
But I say there's a reason things happen
And it wasn't all good way back in the day
Struggled then struggled now still standing

Come on
On and on like the song goes
I wonder if we've took the wrong road
And it seems like so long ago
But you know where to go if you ever come home
Now on and on like the song goes
And I wonder if we've took the wrong road
And it seems like so long ago
But you know where to go if you ever come home"

bgirl?!?

A couple of my friends have been getting into breakdancing.

Now.

I'm not much of a dancer. LOL. I'm awkward, clumsy, self-conscious- everything that I find dancers not. But ever since I was 15, I wanted to get into popping and locking (breaking seemed too epic for me so it never even crossed my mind). However, I felt stupid and I hate being a novice at things, so I kept quitting early haha. But after my friend talked to me about it, I remembered that everyone sucks in the beginning and it's okay to feel like I'm stampeding on major cities and calling it dancing.

The more I'm learning about the culture and history of breaking and the more vids I watch, the more I want to take part in it. Yeah I admit to look really awesome, which may never happen, but also because I feel like I can somewhat relate to its history and what it stands for.

I didn't grow up in the Bronx and I've lived thus far a relatively comfortable and wealthy life. But like many brothers and sisters, I have my own story, with the good and the bad.

I enjoy writing but when it comes to expressing myself, it doesn't satisfy me... Besides, music has always been a huge part of my life. I was born melodramatic haha I wish I got into dancing when I was younger. Breaking has this aggressiveness that's extremely appealing to me haha I feel like I can effectively vent out my anger and hurt if I got good enough at it. I want to become fluent in breaking and make it my own language! And have swag like CL. Hahahah.

We'll see how long this lasts :D.

The Freshest Kids

christians....lol

ultimately it's not by our deeds or sin but by our love that Christ is going to judge His so-called followers... so can we quit embarrassing Him?

fact: i know more nonbelievers who live in love than christians- who seem to come to church NOT so they can understand and care for everyone, but to be understood and cared for... then leave scrutinizing and judging everybody else.

what provoked this note? you're probably wondering.

i've always witnessed and found more love in "the world" than in my own churches, and the past week has been no exception. i am so impressed and humbled by the immense goodness in my friends' hearts, who don't know Christ, than the judgment and condemnation which spew out of the eyes and mouths of so-called Christians.

i find more ease in sharing my struggles and hurts with "nonbelievers", because they recognize that they too aren't perfect people, and they listen with the posture to understand... while at church, people are prepared to put others on some ridiculous pedestal or plow them to the ground. Christians seem to forget that they're in the same serious need of grace now as they were when they were lost in sex, drinking, whatever, and that nobody is better or worse.

those who have been loved little loves little, and those who have been loved lots loves lots... if we genuinely want to pour out love and mercy freely to others, we need to take elaborate self-inventory checks and see how much we actually lack behind our religiosity. in that moment of deep honesty, humility, and shame, in the revelation of how inadequate and sinful we are, is when our hearts and eyes open, receiving the depth of Christ's love and grace.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

yeah, i'm really disappointed with people. BUT much more than that, i'm SO embarrassed and disappointed with myself. not so much because of how i have been "failing" and taking steps back, but above all, because of how much love i lack.

i NEVER claimed to be perfect and i never will be. so i'm sorry for being so unwilling to love to all of you who i've hurt and have been hurting. i'm sorry for being so caught up with myself when i could be reaching out to you. i'm sorry for preaching at you instead of listening and praying with you. i'm sorry for disappointing people who thought i'm pretty set apart, then you find me no different from the rest of the crowd. i'm sorry if that discouraged you and caused you to stumble. i'm sorry for labeling you and dehumanizing you and boxing you in. i'm sorry for choosing hate and unforgiveness and pride.

i'm sorry that i am so short on the strength and ability to love, and that i too have been making the Gospel look weak and powerless by not going to the Father for His abundant grace.

but one thing i refuse to do is to remain an irrelevant christian who does nothing but point my finger at others. i am going to get back up, know God more deeply, and learn to love better... i will try to help build the church than destroy. i will try to weigh my own heart when i find myself judging others. i want to love well and i want to see the church begin to love well. i want to see revival, i want sunday service to become something more than going through the motions, i want to witness the Gospel manifest the lives of everyone who claim to know the truth, the way, the life. we need to receive the love of God AND the love of each other.

and it begins with us forgetting to look good and "holy", living under the backbreaking pressure of others' expectations. i'd so much rather live admittedly imperfect and broken, abling myself to relate and sympathize with others, humbly recognizing that it's not my goodness which saves, but the goodness of Christ, rather than in forced piety, irrelevant to all whilst hiding behind my religion.

"send revival and start with me"

Blind Sheep T_T

I don't know when it happened but I started walking SLIGHTLY un-straight, which in the longer run, would have hindered me. AGAIN. I'm not saying this is the first time this has happened all summer and certainly not the first time in my lifetime. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!

And it always begins small, with like half an inch, and most times, it's not obvious. The Enemy, in fact, approaches you like he's good, like he's your friend. If we're not trying to be aware, we feel SO far from God before we scramble about to figure out what happened! We spend 80% of the time falling away from God thinking we're still white when we're actually black, because we're so clueless and confused. The Enemy is so greedy and deceitful. Seriously, give the sore loser one inch and He'll take 100 feet from you.

I really feel like a fat blind sheep many many times rolling along in this thing we call "faith journey"... SO thankful our Shepherd knows what kind of crazyness He's got in His hands. His staff really IS comforting me right now (Psalm 23 hollaaa). I'm just imagining Him kung-fu moving away the bears and wolves hahahaha.

I can't do this alone, heck no. Not even for a day.

ahhahaha.

I'm so (hysterically?) relieved right now knowing that God is with me and watching me and for me. Whew. GOD CAUGHT THE ENEMY'S TRICKS BEFORE THEY COULD REAP ANYYYY CONSEQUENCES THIS TIME. AHAHHAHA. what a sucka. God's got me!

Thank you God T_T taking little steps...out and around the Enemy's snares... May You always be my guide and counsel. Life truly is a learning process- am I FINALLY learning? A little at least? :D?

Bahhhhhh?

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

Short Summer Summary :)

This summer? To be short, pretty crazy.

Started off with a bittersweet goodbye to spiritual mentor P. David Ree in late May, then went off to Arkansas for my brother's vacation, where we scooped him and went off to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon as one fat happy family! Upon my return, I went to serve at the OMEGA youth ministry summer retreat, immediately followed by Grace retreat where I was so incredibly rocked and blessed, then missions with KUMC of GW youth and college students to Cacalchen, Mexico, and now I am just a few days fresh returning from College Initiative and TG conference in Los Angeles, with the upcoming Vacation Bible School at St. Mark's UMC which I'm in charge of ahhhhhhh... all of these events wedged between various women's ministry nights, prayer meetings, bible studies, personal amazing times with the Lord, several struggles and failings, mistakes, sin, ugliness... all of it!

Yes. Very packed, heavy duty summer of God's amazing glory, my shame which He has taken upon that Cross, and all that is in between. Through it all, this has been honestly the most memorable and best spent summer I've had for as long as I can remember. Nothing as sweet as Jesus! :)

Through all the events and craziness/hecticness and whatnot... key bible passage for me would be from Philippians 3:13-14:

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

No matter how many retreats I attend or how many fervent prayers I pray or how many chapters of the Word consumes me, there is not a moment in which I've actually arrived. In other words, there is not a moment when I don't have to surrender to God's grace, to the blood of Jesus. No matter how "good" I was, and how humbly I submitted to Christ yesterday, or even a few moments ago, I won't ever be righteous on my own or truly deserving of Heaven on my own. The nature of my flesh will always give a fight, the Enemy will not let me go so easy. I'm. So. Weak. I need Jesus every moment. Yesterday does not matter. A few moments ago does not matter. The time is and will always be until the day that I die...NOW. The time to surrender to Christ and His abounding grace is NOW!

Do not let your guard down ever. Do not ever feel like you've got enough righteousness and strength to be truly righteous and truly strong as Jesus Christ. Don't be deceived by your heart! No matter how on "fire" you are! ... but constantly self-examine and follow the leadings of the Spirit. If you are burdened to pray and seek the Lord, DO IT! Even if and most urgently when your heart doesn't "feel" like it. I gotta take this advice. I'm mainly writing this entry for myself as a reminder, and I hope this is a source of enlightenment and encouragement to all who are reading. :)

I can't walk out as a true disciple of Christ alone- no, not even for a second. I need Jesus to grow the Jesus in me. I need His love to be able to love. I need His joy and peace to be a carrier of true joy and deep peace. The time is NOW! As P. Ree told me after I got spiritually ambushed because I let my guard down... wow JUST for one day lol... comfort is death and the idea of "arrival" is an absolute lie.


Forget about yesterday!!! Not just about your past mistakes, sin, shame, but also about your victories in Christ, successes, changes, being on fire, etc. Do not live in the past and do not live in the future. Live in the NOW! The time to be refined and to know the Lord more deeply is right now! The time to be humbled before Christ and to receive His grace is now! Now now now now now now now now now! Even as I'm typing this entry... now is the time to rest in Him aka sleep... (hahaha it's so late z_z). Every moment there is a purpose which God calls me to. Sometimes it's meditating, sometimes it's napping, sometimes it's eating, sometimes it's reading the Word, sometimes it's fasting, sometimes it's working, sometimes it's doing laundry, sometimes it's hugging my mommy, sometimes it's helping my daddy, sometimes it's talking to that stranger, sometimes it's praying for that friend. Every moment there is a purpose which is the most sanctifying which God is calling me to. He is always moving and I need to be following! And He is always speaking to me about how I can be obedient... He isn't the Father who leaves His child hanging, especially when I am searching and hungering after Him. I need my spiritual ears to become more open so that I may always be walking in step with the Spirit. So that I can live in the NOW with my Father who knows best and wants the best for me.

Ahhhhhhh... Jesus was so intentional about everything He did while on Earth because He was crazy in love with us. Let's zealously and so intentionally return His love. Bah... personally, I want and NEED to be much more intentional about seeking Jesus. Being intentional is not being artificial... Don't let the Enemy deceive you. If anything, being intentional only affirms our love for our special So-and-So!


...Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date in the wee early morning... time for beauty rest so I can look, feel, think sharply for Him in 6 hours hahaha. :)

serious cleaning!

So yesterday I was chilling

and lounging about

and doing some devotionals

and...

....

God told me to clean my room.

Out of love and obedience (it's a lot different from your mama jansori'ing you <3 - jansori = nagging) I got straight to it.

AND WHOOO! Wow!!!! I have no idea when I last REALLY cleaned my room (I think never) but I can't believe that it took me FOUR HOURS to throw out garbage and fold and put away clothes.

Clothes alone? Migraine. I had no idea my wardrobe was of such caliber....... WHY DO I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK. hahahaha.

In the past, I'd clean my room... by shoving clothes into random cabinets. But this time around, God was telling me to REALLY clean inside out, so I opened all the cabinets, closet, and threw them all into one fat pile.

As I was reorganizing clothes, I began to make a separate pile for clothes I knew I wouldn't wear anymore. There were clothes that I grew out of and can't fit into (worst feeling), that had rips, that were "going out"/a little risque LOL, could still wear but bad memories attached, etc. Sometimes if I wasn't sure, I would hold it and ask God to burden me if I should let it go ahhaha...It was really hard to say goodbye T_T.

I really felt a lot of release and relief after I was finished. Lighter. Cleaner. Happier. :D I love housework, I really do. I don't know why I don't do it more often.

But anyway. Yes I have a point! This morning it kept hitting me that room cleaning is kind of similar to inner healing... Ok ok ok ok you probably saw this coming. But let me elaborate!!

You know

People say they feel lighter and better and cleaner after retreats, conferences, etc... Or they get a prophetic word that hits them like BAM! So anyway, they receive this shower of grace from God, and a small part of them I do believe begins to heal. Hallelujah, power of God's love is like nothing else <3

But then what?

They go back home. They play "good" for awhile, just to try and keep that fire going but they know and feel it's dwindling, and once it's diminishing or completely gone, they go back to being lukewarm. Inactive. Indecisive. Powerless. Back to old ways, back to willful sin.

Going to a retreat, receiving an AWESOME prophetic word, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. DOESN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING. It doesn't mean you're all good. It means you've just started. And people don't follow through. We get hyped up then go home and shove all our problems, flaws, burdens in the back of our minds, because we are "on fire" at the moment. We feel good and perfect and maybe even a little righteous and religious... but we don't realize that we're not actually returning God's pursuit, we're not actually reciprocating His love. We let the fire die with even our "good" deeds. We don't actually talk to JESUS... you know... our Savior? hahah. When I say talk, REALLY talk. Raw honesty. Real talk. Not "thank you for this day" "i love you jesus thanks" kind of Sunday school prayer.

People who have not submitted 100% to Jesus all have baggage, wounds, hurts. We ALL need inner healing to different extents... How do you live in this world without getting hurt? We try to hide it and pretend we're not "that bad", but the pains of memories are all still there. Just as how I'd shove my clothes into cabinets and my room SEEMED clean but it really wasn't, memories that haunt us and have power over us don't just disappear as we shove them into the back of our minds...

I was racking with fear and anxiety and depression and hatred and anger and bitterness and unforgiveness one year ago, a lot of which I've been carrying since literally the 7th grade and have been festering/accumulating. Now I feel SUCH an overwhelming peace, a peace which truly "surpasses all understanding". This is ridiculous. I woke up this morning physically feeling the presence of God! There is none other like Him...

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that I don't have anymore irrational fears, etc. But I can assure you that I'm well on my way towards perfect recovery, as Christ is made perfect in me.

Cast your cares onto Jesus, it's the only TRUE way. Sure there are other practices to help you find peace, but I can guarantee you that NOTHING competes with what Christ can do with you. Not only that, but God uses our past pains and memories to reach out to others. Just because He can. Just because He is good. The Lord will never let you fall, if you just submit humbly to His grace, declaring your weaknesses and powerlessness. If you don't know how, or where to begin, but you're sick and tired of your past haunting you, LET ME KNOW! I want to pray for you. There is true power in prayer. God speaks through people all of the time. God wants to speak to YOU! If you're Christian, then learn to receive His grace directly from Him... not through people. It changes everything. God becomes a true Father, true Shepherd. You really begin to have a deeper real relationship with Him- a DAILY one. Not up-and-down, flimsy, 20 days out of the year one.

There is truly not one moment that God's grace is not pouring on us. His grace is in and out and through all the things around us and within us. He is the true giver of all the good gifts you have.. even this very moment, it is by His grace that you are here!

So...
"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:4

What's Beauty?

beauty truly comes from within...

"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who honors the Lord should be praised" -prvbs 31:30

LADIES, why would you want to impress a numnut 2-dimensional guy who says "you need to wear makeup" :) don't give men (and other women)... who should be mature now in the older teens/20's... too much credit. people today are more shallow than ever, more impure in their thinking and ways than ever... "christian" or not!

calling all women of this generation, let's grow some self-esteems. together. <3 i'm fighting alongside you the powers of poor self-image and deeply rooted insecurities.. yes, a lot of which have been caused by both guys and girls who took their own insecurities out on me.

let's rise as fierce women of the Almighty GOD who so beautifully and wonderfully created you and me, and break this ugly cycle of HATE!

YOU ! :D ...you are BEAUTIFUL, and you have been intricately and so intimately woven in the womb of your mom by the hands of God Himself. He loves you and is calling you to a life greater than one imprisoned by the recognition of people. He is saying your beauty is so radiant...and He's not a Father, Brother who looks at outward appearances... He is speaking and singing about your heart, your passions, your quirks, even your fears... all of you that is on the INSIDE.

let's live for the God who made us so beautiful

no longer for people who say we're not beautiful "enough"...

there is freedom from the opinions of people through Jesus. let's not be jailed in by our insecurities and pride and envy and strife and the lies and deceptions of worthlessness and ugliness any longer. why should we settle? when there is freedom... so much HOPE! :) to be free to be who we were made to be, instead of caked in by make-up and consumed by designer clothes and matching up other girls with expensive purses and pretty shoes. where's all of that going to be in 10 years? 1 year? 3 months?

let's be a generation who shine from the Inside Out

* i recognize guys have similar struggles. this is a challenge to all people.... but i'm currently in girl power mode :) hahaha

Us And Them

David Sedaris! His closings are incredible.

"Here is a boy sitting on a bed, his mouth smeared with chocolate. He's a human being, but also he's a pig, surrounded by trash and gorging himself so that others may be denied. Were this the only image in the world, you'd be forced to give it your full attention, but fortunately there were others. This stagecoach, for instance, coming round the bend with a cargo of gold. This shiny new Mustang convertible. This teenage girl, her hair a beautiful mane, sipping Pepsi through a straw, one picture after another, on and on until the news, and whatever came on after the news."

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good and the ugliness of evil and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own--not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me.

Marcus Aurelius

To the Spirit of Hatred

Tables are changing. You won't see me curled in defeat to you anymore.

"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God,
and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love."
1 John 4:7-8

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love,
I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor
and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love,
I gain nothing."
1 Corinthians 13:1-3