bgirl?!?

A couple of my friends have been getting into breakdancing.

Now.

I'm not much of a dancer. LOL. I'm awkward, clumsy, self-conscious- everything that I find dancers not. But ever since I was 15, I wanted to get into popping and locking (breaking seemed too epic for me so it never even crossed my mind). However, I felt stupid and I hate being a novice at things, so I kept quitting early haha. But after my friend talked to me about it, I remembered that everyone sucks in the beginning and it's okay to feel like I'm stampeding on major cities and calling it dancing.

The more I'm learning about the culture and history of breaking and the more vids I watch, the more I want to take part in it. Yeah I admit to look really awesome, which may never happen, but also because I feel like I can somewhat relate to its history and what it stands for.

I didn't grow up in the Bronx and I've lived thus far a relatively comfortable and wealthy life. But like many brothers and sisters, I have my own story, with the good and the bad.

I enjoy writing but when it comes to expressing myself, it doesn't satisfy me... Besides, music has always been a huge part of my life. I was born melodramatic haha I wish I got into dancing when I was younger. Breaking has this aggressiveness that's extremely appealing to me haha I feel like I can effectively vent out my anger and hurt if I got good enough at it. I want to become fluent in breaking and make it my own language! And have swag like CL. Hahahah.

We'll see how long this lasts :D.

The Freshest Kids

christians....lol

ultimately it's not by our deeds or sin but by our love that Christ is going to judge His so-called followers... so can we quit embarrassing Him?

fact: i know more nonbelievers who live in love than christians- who seem to come to church NOT so they can understand and care for everyone, but to be understood and cared for... then leave scrutinizing and judging everybody else.

what provoked this note? you're probably wondering.

i've always witnessed and found more love in "the world" than in my own churches, and the past week has been no exception. i am so impressed and humbled by the immense goodness in my friends' hearts, who don't know Christ, than the judgment and condemnation which spew out of the eyes and mouths of so-called Christians.

i find more ease in sharing my struggles and hurts with "nonbelievers", because they recognize that they too aren't perfect people, and they listen with the posture to understand... while at church, people are prepared to put others on some ridiculous pedestal or plow them to the ground. Christians seem to forget that they're in the same serious need of grace now as they were when they were lost in sex, drinking, whatever, and that nobody is better or worse.

those who have been loved little loves little, and those who have been loved lots loves lots... if we genuinely want to pour out love and mercy freely to others, we need to take elaborate self-inventory checks and see how much we actually lack behind our religiosity. in that moment of deep honesty, humility, and shame, in the revelation of how inadequate and sinful we are, is when our hearts and eyes open, receiving the depth of Christ's love and grace.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:3-5

yeah, i'm really disappointed with people. BUT much more than that, i'm SO embarrassed and disappointed with myself. not so much because of how i have been "failing" and taking steps back, but above all, because of how much love i lack.

i NEVER claimed to be perfect and i never will be. so i'm sorry for being so unwilling to love to all of you who i've hurt and have been hurting. i'm sorry for being so caught up with myself when i could be reaching out to you. i'm sorry for preaching at you instead of listening and praying with you. i'm sorry for disappointing people who thought i'm pretty set apart, then you find me no different from the rest of the crowd. i'm sorry if that discouraged you and caused you to stumble. i'm sorry for labeling you and dehumanizing you and boxing you in. i'm sorry for choosing hate and unforgiveness and pride.

i'm sorry that i am so short on the strength and ability to love, and that i too have been making the Gospel look weak and powerless by not going to the Father for His abundant grace.

but one thing i refuse to do is to remain an irrelevant christian who does nothing but point my finger at others. i am going to get back up, know God more deeply, and learn to love better... i will try to help build the church than destroy. i will try to weigh my own heart when i find myself judging others. i want to love well and i want to see the church begin to love well. i want to see revival, i want sunday service to become something more than going through the motions, i want to witness the Gospel manifest the lives of everyone who claim to know the truth, the way, the life. we need to receive the love of God AND the love of each other.

and it begins with us forgetting to look good and "holy", living under the backbreaking pressure of others' expectations. i'd so much rather live admittedly imperfect and broken, abling myself to relate and sympathize with others, humbly recognizing that it's not my goodness which saves, but the goodness of Christ, rather than in forced piety, irrelevant to all whilst hiding behind my religion.

"send revival and start with me"