I don't know when it happened but I started walking SLIGHTLY un-straight, which in the longer run, would have hindered me. AGAIN. I'm not saying this is the first time this has happened all summer and certainly not the first time in my lifetime. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!
And it always begins small, with like half an inch, and most times, it's not obvious. The Enemy, in fact, approaches you like he's good, like he's your friend. If we're not trying to be aware, we feel SO far from God before we scramble about to figure out what happened! We spend 80% of the time falling away from God thinking we're still white when we're actually black, because we're so clueless and confused. The Enemy is so greedy and deceitful. Seriously, give the sore loser one inch and He'll take 100 feet from you.
I really feel like a fat blind sheep many many times rolling along in this thing we call "faith journey"... SO thankful our Shepherd knows what kind of crazyness He's got in His hands. His staff really IS comforting me right now (Psalm 23 hollaaa). I'm just imagining Him kung-fu moving away the bears and wolves hahahaha.
I can't do this alone, heck no. Not even for a day.
ahhahaha.
I'm so (hysterically?) relieved right now knowing that God is with me and watching me and for me. Whew. GOD CAUGHT THE ENEMY'S TRICKS BEFORE THEY COULD REAP ANYYYY CONSEQUENCES THIS TIME. AHAHHAHA. what a sucka. God's got me!
Thank you God T_T taking little steps...out and around the Enemy's snares... May You always be my guide and counsel. Life truly is a learning process- am I FINALLY learning? A little at least? :D?
Bahhhhhh?
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Short Summer Summary :)
This summer? To be short, pretty crazy.
Started off with a bittersweet goodbye to spiritual mentor P. David Ree in late May, then went off to Arkansas for my brother's vacation, where we scooped him and went off to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon as one fat happy family! Upon my return, I went to serve at the OMEGA youth ministry summer retreat, immediately followed by Grace retreat where I was so incredibly rocked and blessed, then missions with KUMC of GW youth and college students to Cacalchen, Mexico, and now I am just a few days fresh returning from College Initiative and TG conference in Los Angeles, with the upcoming Vacation Bible School at St. Mark's UMC which I'm in charge of ahhhhhhh... all of these events wedged between various women's ministry nights, prayer meetings, bible studies, personal amazing times with the Lord, several struggles and failings, mistakes, sin, ugliness... all of it!
Yes. Very packed, heavy duty summer of God's amazing glory, my shame which He has taken upon that Cross, and all that is in between. Through it all, this has been honestly the most memorable and best spent summer I've had for as long as I can remember. Nothing as sweet as Jesus! :)
Through all the events and craziness/hecticness and whatnot... key bible passage for me would be from Philippians 3:13-14:
I can't walk out as a true disciple of Christ alone- no, not even for a second. I need Jesus to grow the Jesus in me. I need His love to be able to love. I need His joy and peace to be a carrier of true joy and deep peace. The time is NOW! As P. Ree told me after I got spiritually ambushed because I let my guard down... wow JUST for one day lol... comfort is death and the idea of "arrival" is an absolute lie.
Forget about yesterday!!! Not just about your past mistakes, sin, shame, but also about your victories in Christ, successes, changes, being on fire, etc. Do not live in the past and do not live in the future. Live in the NOW! The time to be refined and to know the Lord more deeply is right now! The time to be humbled before Christ and to receive His grace is now! Now now now now now now now now now! Even as I'm typing this entry... now is the time to rest in Him aka sleep... (hahaha it's so late z_z). Every moment there is a purpose which God calls me to. Sometimes it's meditating, sometimes it's napping, sometimes it's eating, sometimes it's reading the Word, sometimes it's fasting, sometimes it's working, sometimes it's doing laundry, sometimes it's hugging my mommy, sometimes it's helping my daddy, sometimes it's talking to that stranger, sometimes it's praying for that friend. Every moment there is a purpose which is the most sanctifying which God is calling me to. He is always moving and I need to be following! And He is always speaking to me about how I can be obedient... He isn't the Father who leaves His child hanging, especially when I am searching and hungering after Him. I need my spiritual ears to become more open so that I may always be walking in step with the Spirit. So that I can live in the NOW with my Father who knows best and wants the best for me.
Ahhhhhhh... Jesus was so intentional about everything He did while on Earth because He was crazy in love with us. Let's zealously and so intentionally return His love. Bah... personally, I want and NEED to be much more intentional about seeking Jesus. Being intentional is not being artificial... Don't let the Enemy deceive you. If anything, being intentional only affirms our love for our special So-and-So!
...Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date in the wee early morning... time for beauty rest so I can look, feel, think sharply for Him in 6 hours hahaha. :)
Started off with a bittersweet goodbye to spiritual mentor P. David Ree in late May, then went off to Arkansas for my brother's vacation, where we scooped him and went off to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon as one fat happy family! Upon my return, I went to serve at the OMEGA youth ministry summer retreat, immediately followed by Grace retreat where I was so incredibly rocked and blessed, then missions with KUMC of GW youth and college students to Cacalchen, Mexico, and now I am just a few days fresh returning from College Initiative and TG conference in Los Angeles, with the upcoming Vacation Bible School at St. Mark's UMC which I'm in charge of ahhhhhhh... all of these events wedged between various women's ministry nights, prayer meetings, bible studies, personal amazing times with the Lord, several struggles and failings, mistakes, sin, ugliness... all of it!
Yes. Very packed, heavy duty summer of God's amazing glory, my shame which He has taken upon that Cross, and all that is in between. Through it all, this has been honestly the most memorable and best spent summer I've had for as long as I can remember. Nothing as sweet as Jesus! :)
Through all the events and craziness/hecticness and whatnot... key bible passage for me would be from Philippians 3:13-14:
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
No matter how many retreats I attend or how many fervent prayers I pray or how many chapters of the Word consumes me, there is not a moment in which I've actually arrived. In other words, there is not a moment when I don't have to surrender to God's grace, to the blood of Jesus. No matter how "good" I was, and how humbly I submitted to Christ yesterday, or even a few moments ago, I won't ever be righteous on my own or truly deserving of Heaven on my own. The nature of my flesh will always give a fight, the Enemy will not let me go so easy. I'm. So. Weak. I need Jesus every moment. Yesterday does not matter. A few moments ago does not matter. The time is and will always be until the day that I die...NOW. The time to surrender to Christ and His abounding grace is NOW!
Do not let your guard down ever. Do not ever feel like you've got enough righteousness and strength to be truly righteous and truly strong as Jesus Christ. Don't be deceived by your heart! No matter how on "fire" you are! ... but constantly self-examine and follow the leadings of the Spirit. If you are burdened to pray and seek the Lord, DO IT! Even if and most urgently when your heart doesn't "feel" like it. I gotta take this advice. I'm mainly writing this entry for myself as a reminder, and I hope this is a source of enlightenment and encouragement to all who are reading. :)
Forget about yesterday!!! Not just about your past mistakes, sin, shame, but also about your victories in Christ, successes, changes, being on fire, etc. Do not live in the past and do not live in the future. Live in the NOW! The time to be refined and to know the Lord more deeply is right now! The time to be humbled before Christ and to receive His grace is now! Now now now now now now now now now! Even as I'm typing this entry... now is the time to rest in Him aka sleep... (hahaha it's so late z_z). Every moment there is a purpose which God calls me to. Sometimes it's meditating, sometimes it's napping, sometimes it's eating, sometimes it's reading the Word, sometimes it's fasting, sometimes it's working, sometimes it's doing laundry, sometimes it's hugging my mommy, sometimes it's helping my daddy, sometimes it's talking to that stranger, sometimes it's praying for that friend. Every moment there is a purpose which is the most sanctifying which God is calling me to. He is always moving and I need to be following! And He is always speaking to me about how I can be obedient... He isn't the Father who leaves His child hanging, especially when I am searching and hungering after Him. I need my spiritual ears to become more open so that I may always be walking in step with the Spirit. So that I can live in the NOW with my Father who knows best and wants the best for me.
Ahhhhhhh... Jesus was so intentional about everything He did while on Earth because He was crazy in love with us. Let's zealously and so intentionally return His love. Bah... personally, I want and NEED to be much more intentional about seeking Jesus. Being intentional is not being artificial... Don't let the Enemy deceive you. If anything, being intentional only affirms our love for our special So-and-So!
...Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date in the wee early morning... time for beauty rest so I can look, feel, think sharply for Him in 6 hours hahaha. :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
serious cleaning!
So yesterday I was chilling
and lounging about
and doing some devotionals
and...
....
God told me to clean my room.
Out of love and obedience (it's a lot different from your mama jansori'ing you <3 - jansori = nagging) I got straight to it.
AND WHOOO! Wow!!!! I have no idea when I last REALLY cleaned my room (I think never) but I can't believe that it took me FOUR HOURS to throw out garbage and fold and put away clothes.
Clothes alone? Migraine. I had no idea my wardrobe was of such caliber....... WHY DO I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK. hahahaha.
In the past, I'd clean my room... by shoving clothes into random cabinets. But this time around, God was telling me to REALLY clean inside out, so I opened all the cabinets, closet, and threw them all into one fat pile.
As I was reorganizing clothes, I began to make a separate pile for clothes I knew I wouldn't wear anymore. There were clothes that I grew out of and can't fit into (worst feeling), that had rips, that were "going out"/a little risque LOL, could still wear but bad memories attached, etc. Sometimes if I wasn't sure, I would hold it and ask God to burden me if I should let it go ahhaha...It was really hard to say goodbye T_T.
I really felt a lot of release and relief after I was finished. Lighter. Cleaner. Happier. :D I love housework, I really do. I don't know why I don't do it more often.
But anyway. Yes I have a point! This morning it kept hitting me that room cleaning is kind of similar to inner healing... Ok ok ok ok you probably saw this coming. But let me elaborate!!
You know
People say they feel lighter and better and cleaner after retreats, conferences, etc... Or they get a prophetic word that hits them like BAM! So anyway, they receive this shower of grace from God, and a small part of them I do believe begins to heal. Hallelujah, power of God's love is like nothing else <3
But then what?
They go back home. They play "good" for awhile, just to try and keep that fire going but they know and feel it's dwindling, and once it's diminishing or completely gone, they go back to being lukewarm. Inactive. Indecisive. Powerless. Back to old ways, back to willful sin.
Going to a retreat, receiving an AWESOME prophetic word, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. DOESN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING. It doesn't mean you're all good. It means you've just started. And people don't follow through. We get hyped up then go home and shove all our problems, flaws, burdens in the back of our minds, because we are "on fire" at the moment. We feel good and perfect and maybe even a little righteous and religious... but we don't realize that we're not actually returning God's pursuit, we're not actually reciprocating His love. We let the fire die with even our "good" deeds. We don't actually talk to JESUS... you know... our Savior? hahah. When I say talk, REALLY talk. Raw honesty. Real talk. Not "thank you for this day" "i love you jesus thanks" kind of Sunday school prayer.
People who have not submitted 100% to Jesus all have baggage, wounds, hurts. We ALL need inner healing to different extents... How do you live in this world without getting hurt? We try to hide it and pretend we're not "that bad", but the pains of memories are all still there. Just as how I'd shove my clothes into cabinets and my room SEEMED clean but it really wasn't, memories that haunt us and have power over us don't just disappear as we shove them into the back of our minds...
I was racking with fear and anxiety and depression and hatred and anger and bitterness and unforgiveness one year ago, a lot of which I've been carrying since literally the 7th grade and have been festering/accumulating. Now I feel SUCH an overwhelming peace, a peace which truly "surpasses all understanding". This is ridiculous. I woke up this morning physically feeling the presence of God! There is none other like Him...
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that I don't have anymore irrational fears, etc. But I can assure you that I'm well on my way towards perfect recovery, as Christ is made perfect in me.
Cast your cares onto Jesus, it's the only TRUE way. Sure there are other practices to help you find peace, but I can guarantee you that NOTHING competes with what Christ can do with you. Not only that, but God uses our past pains and memories to reach out to others. Just because He can. Just because He is good. The Lord will never let you fall, if you just submit humbly to His grace, declaring your weaknesses and powerlessness. If you don't know how, or where to begin, but you're sick and tired of your past haunting you, LET ME KNOW! I want to pray for you. There is true power in prayer. God speaks through people all of the time. God wants to speak to YOU! If you're Christian, then learn to receive His grace directly from Him... not through people. It changes everything. God becomes a true Father, true Shepherd. You really begin to have a deeper real relationship with Him- a DAILY one. Not up-and-down, flimsy, 20 days out of the year one.
There is truly not one moment that God's grace is not pouring on us. His grace is in and out and through all the things around us and within us. He is the true giver of all the good gifts you have.. even this very moment, it is by His grace that you are here!
So...
"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:4
and lounging about
and doing some devotionals
and...
....
God told me to clean my room.
Out of love and obedience (it's a lot different from your mama jansori'ing you <3 - jansori = nagging) I got straight to it.
AND WHOOO! Wow!!!! I have no idea when I last REALLY cleaned my room (I think never) but I can't believe that it took me FOUR HOURS to throw out garbage and fold and put away clothes.
Clothes alone? Migraine. I had no idea my wardrobe was of such caliber....... WHY DO I WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY WEEK. hahahaha.
In the past, I'd clean my room... by shoving clothes into random cabinets. But this time around, God was telling me to REALLY clean inside out, so I opened all the cabinets, closet, and threw them all into one fat pile.
As I was reorganizing clothes, I began to make a separate pile for clothes I knew I wouldn't wear anymore. There were clothes that I grew out of and can't fit into (worst feeling), that had rips, that were "going out"/a little risque LOL, could still wear but bad memories attached, etc. Sometimes if I wasn't sure, I would hold it and ask God to burden me if I should let it go ahhaha...It was really hard to say goodbye T_T.
I really felt a lot of release and relief after I was finished. Lighter. Cleaner. Happier. :D I love housework, I really do. I don't know why I don't do it more often.
But anyway. Yes I have a point! This morning it kept hitting me that room cleaning is kind of similar to inner healing... Ok ok ok ok you probably saw this coming. But let me elaborate!!
You know
People say they feel lighter and better and cleaner after retreats, conferences, etc... Or they get a prophetic word that hits them like BAM! So anyway, they receive this shower of grace from God, and a small part of them I do believe begins to heal. Hallelujah, power of God's love is like nothing else <3
But then what?
They go back home. They play "good" for awhile, just to try and keep that fire going but they know and feel it's dwindling, and once it's diminishing or completely gone, they go back to being lukewarm. Inactive. Indecisive. Powerless. Back to old ways, back to willful sin.
Going to a retreat, receiving an AWESOME prophetic word, DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. DOESN'T GUARANTEE ANYTHING. It doesn't mean you're all good. It means you've just started. And people don't follow through. We get hyped up then go home and shove all our problems, flaws, burdens in the back of our minds, because we are "on fire" at the moment. We feel good and perfect and maybe even a little righteous and religious... but we don't realize that we're not actually returning God's pursuit, we're not actually reciprocating His love. We let the fire die with even our "good" deeds. We don't actually talk to JESUS... you know... our Savior? hahah. When I say talk, REALLY talk. Raw honesty. Real talk. Not "thank you for this day" "i love you jesus thanks" kind of Sunday school prayer.
People who have not submitted 100% to Jesus all have baggage, wounds, hurts. We ALL need inner healing to different extents... How do you live in this world without getting hurt? We try to hide it and pretend we're not "that bad", but the pains of memories are all still there. Just as how I'd shove my clothes into cabinets and my room SEEMED clean but it really wasn't, memories that haunt us and have power over us don't just disappear as we shove them into the back of our minds...
I was racking with fear and anxiety and depression and hatred and anger and bitterness and unforgiveness one year ago, a lot of which I've been carrying since literally the 7th grade and have been festering/accumulating. Now I feel SUCH an overwhelming peace, a peace which truly "surpasses all understanding". This is ridiculous. I woke up this morning physically feeling the presence of God! There is none other like Him...
I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or that I don't have anymore irrational fears, etc. But I can assure you that I'm well on my way towards perfect recovery, as Christ is made perfect in me.
Cast your cares onto Jesus, it's the only TRUE way. Sure there are other practices to help you find peace, but I can guarantee you that NOTHING competes with what Christ can do with you. Not only that, but God uses our past pains and memories to reach out to others. Just because He can. Just because He is good. The Lord will never let you fall, if you just submit humbly to His grace, declaring your weaknesses and powerlessness. If you don't know how, or where to begin, but you're sick and tired of your past haunting you, LET ME KNOW! I want to pray for you. There is true power in prayer. God speaks through people all of the time. God wants to speak to YOU! If you're Christian, then learn to receive His grace directly from Him... not through people. It changes everything. God becomes a true Father, true Shepherd. You really begin to have a deeper real relationship with Him- a DAILY one. Not up-and-down, flimsy, 20 days out of the year one.
There is truly not one moment that God's grace is not pouring on us. His grace is in and out and through all the things around us and within us. He is the true giver of all the good gifts you have.. even this very moment, it is by His grace that you are here!
So...
"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:4
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
What's Beauty?
beauty truly comes from within...
"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who honors the Lord should be praised" -prvbs 31:30
LADIES, why would you want to impress a numnut 2-dimensional guy who says "you need to wear makeup" :) don't give men (and other women)... who should be mature now in the older teens/20's... too much credit. people today are more shallow than ever, more impure in their thinking and ways than ever... "christian" or not!
calling all women of this generation, let's grow some self-esteems. together. <3 i'm fighting alongside you the powers of poor self-image and deeply rooted insecurities.. yes, a lot of which have been caused by both guys and girls who took their own insecurities out on me.
let's rise as fierce women of the Almighty GOD who so beautifully and wonderfully created you and me, and break this ugly cycle of HATE!
YOU ! :D ...you are BEAUTIFUL, and you have been intricately and so intimately woven in the womb of your mom by the hands of God Himself. He loves you and is calling you to a life greater than one imprisoned by the recognition of people. He is saying your beauty is so radiant...and He's not a Father, Brother who looks at outward appearances... He is speaking and singing about your heart, your passions, your quirks, even your fears... all of you that is on the INSIDE.
let's live for the God who made us so beautiful
no longer for people who say we're not beautiful "enough"...
there is freedom from the opinions of people through Jesus. let's not be jailed in by our insecurities and pride and envy and strife and the lies and deceptions of worthlessness and ugliness any longer. why should we settle? when there is freedom... so much HOPE! :) to be free to be who we were made to be, instead of caked in by make-up and consumed by designer clothes and matching up other girls with expensive purses and pretty shoes. where's all of that going to be in 10 years? 1 year? 3 months?
let's be a generation who shine from the Inside Out
* i recognize guys have similar struggles. this is a challenge to all people.... but i'm currently in girl power mode :) hahaha
"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who honors the Lord should be praised" -prvbs 31:30
LADIES, why would you want to impress a numnut 2-dimensional guy who says "you need to wear makeup" :) don't give men (and other women)... who should be mature now in the older teens/20's... too much credit. people today are more shallow than ever, more impure in their thinking and ways than ever... "christian" or not!
calling all women of this generation, let's grow some self-esteems. together. <3 i'm fighting alongside you the powers of poor self-image and deeply rooted insecurities.. yes, a lot of which have been caused by both guys and girls who took their own insecurities out on me.
let's rise as fierce women of the Almighty GOD who so beautifully and wonderfully created you and me, and break this ugly cycle of HATE!
YOU ! :D ...you are BEAUTIFUL, and you have been intricately and so intimately woven in the womb of your mom by the hands of God Himself. He loves you and is calling you to a life greater than one imprisoned by the recognition of people. He is saying your beauty is so radiant...and He's not a Father, Brother who looks at outward appearances... He is speaking and singing about your heart, your passions, your quirks, even your fears... all of you that is on the INSIDE.
let's live for the God who made us so beautiful
no longer for people who say we're not beautiful "enough"...
there is freedom from the opinions of people through Jesus. let's not be jailed in by our insecurities and pride and envy and strife and the lies and deceptions of worthlessness and ugliness any longer. why should we settle? when there is freedom... so much HOPE! :) to be free to be who we were made to be, instead of caked in by make-up and consumed by designer clothes and matching up other girls with expensive purses and pretty shoes. where's all of that going to be in 10 years? 1 year? 3 months?
let's be a generation who shine from the Inside Out
* i recognize guys have similar struggles. this is a challenge to all people.... but i'm currently in girl power mode :) hahaha
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Us And Them
David Sedaris! His closings are incredible.
"Here is a boy sitting on a bed, his mouth smeared with chocolate. He's a human being, but also he's a pig, surrounded by trash and gorging himself so that others may be denied. Were this the only image in the world, you'd be forced to give it your full attention, but fortunately there were others. This stagecoach, for instance, coming round the bend with a cargo of gold. This shiny new Mustang convertible. This teenage girl, her hair a beautiful mane, sipping Pepsi through a straw, one picture after another, on and on until the news, and whatever came on after the news."
"Here is a boy sitting on a bed, his mouth smeared with chocolate. He's a human being, but also he's a pig, surrounded by trash and gorging himself so that others may be denied. Were this the only image in the world, you'd be forced to give it your full attention, but fortunately there were others. This stagecoach, for instance, coming round the bend with a cargo of gold. This shiny new Mustang convertible. This teenage girl, her hair a beautiful mane, sipping Pepsi through a straw, one picture after another, on and on until the news, and whatever came on after the news."
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