whatchu lookin at

DANG!

i got owned ths semester. in both good and unnecessary/bad ways.

here are some things i learned, re-learned, and re-learned once again. things that God helped stamp deeper in my heart. some of my thoughts as i reflect upon what the crap happened to me. i thought maybe you might be curious, in case you heard or first-hand noticed how i took soooome..side..steps- WHICH i sincerely hope has not affected your own walk. i think people adopted me as their role model because they mistakenly judged me based upon God's anointing, rather than my actual character, which is a lot less pretty without God, and which many people from church really don't know or see unless they caught me with a glass of beer at a lounge in DC or when i am taking a Geology exam- both, i would say, are equally disappointing scenes. i'm working on it. or, better said, Jesus is working on it.

i'm still learning, and will be learning til the day i die. i'm growing, and will be growing til the day i die. i may fall, but i really have NOTHING going for me aside from my relationship with God.

so don't worry guys, if i quit living for God, i am doomed. really. i'm doomed. when i look back on the last 22 years, i see exactly the moments when either i or God shut the door to a potentially awesome (and secular) future. i've got NOTHING. i'm an absolute loser by the standards of this world. i have an embarrassing GPA at a school that is a little too famous for what it offers. i work 6 hours a week at Oak Marr recreation center. i have a 2001 mazda 626. i'm REALLY bad at dancing and i tend to nearly break a bone when i try to walk in heels.

...i can't tell if i'm crying or bragging.

anyway. definitely want to rant at myself before losing my thoughts as i study for finals (see? character! ... procrastination must also go. after this entry. maybe.)

revival.

we be talking about revival all day.

i know i want revival, i know you want revival, i know God wants revival.

revival comes from stirring God's heart. we stir His heart when we stop focusing on ourselves and start looking at Him.

so...what was that? revival??? we're not going anywhere til we stop treating this so-called running marathon like some beatdown, who-can-say-"shame on you"-the-most-creatively-and-frequently, condemnation contest to the finish line.

religious leaders, could you PLEASE look to Jesus and not on your ministry? stop pitying yourself and stop saluting yourself. it's not about US, and it never actually was about US.

you want people to change their ways? you want people to be more faithful, consistent, on fire, genuinely discipled? then put your wagging finger down and take your baggage up with God. guilt and fear will never ever motivate anybody to stop their habits or addictions, at least not for very long. it is ONLY by God's love.

"God's KINDNESS should lead you to repentance" Romans 2:4. by His kindness we turn, not by guilt and condemnation, nor by pure human effort. even if you do turn purely out of your own strength, sorry but God's not impressed by man's strength or anybody's religiosity. He's impressed and "delights in those who place their hope in His unfailing love" Psalm 147:11 He LOVES when we turn solely out of love for Him, when we turn because we receive His love, and there's not one person in existence in the past, future, or now who has loved God BEFORE they experienced God's love FIRST

so sermons and not even necessarily prayers are gonna cut it. discipleship programs and even our own ability to love aren't even enough. sorry but human love without constant encounters with God is just HUMAN love, not God's. don't get cocky now, it's actually really pathetic compared to true agape love.

change requires encounters with the Father's heart. encounters with Him requires actually LOOKING at Him.

self is the most dangerous and deepest form of idolatry of them all. i'm seeing people in positions of authority making their ministries all about them. i'm seeing believers left and right making their faith journeys all about them. how else can we explain the divides in the Church, all the bashing, pointing fingers, pedestal-placing, boasting of self, self-pitying...

truth is, it ain't about you. if you're judging people, if you're pitying yourself, if you're easily disappointed with others, if you're just making everything a little bit too much about people, the things of this world, and not on the Father, then you are making it all about you.

i'm not writing this to condemn anyone. these are all things that i've been learning for myself, why i get angry and annoyed and frustrated at others and myself.

i'm telling you! when God disciplines you and is taking you through processes of healing and discipleship, do NOT pity yourself, do NOT become hardened and bitter. i repeat: do NOT pity yourself!! it will cost you way way way more time and hurt than necessary.

self-pity just made my semester extremely more difficult than it should have. crap happened, people hurt me, and it had this domino effect of just vividly digging up my past as far as the 7th grade

if ONLY i'd just stopped to surrender everything instead of being busy feeling sorry for myself. because i'm pretty sure God allowed everything that happened to happen so that i would turn and receive healing from Him.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

i'm not saying that being sad is a bad thing at all

but you can be sad and say "God is in control" (Godly sorrow)

or you can be sad and say "God isn't in control, I am." (worldly sorrow)

or you can be like me and be beyond sad, be pitiful and say "GOD'S NOT IN CONTROL AND NEITHER AM I, FML (forgive me Lord)" (worldly sorrow, but you don't even "win" to this world's standard)

basically. i am only happy when i put my eyes and heart on Jesus. i descend in a very depressing, anxiety-consumed, progressively downward spiral when i don't. =)

you wanna hear God's voice? walk in the guidance of His Spirit? live in transformative power, wisdom, and love? CHANGE THE WORLD!?!?!?

let's put our hearts on Christ. let's look into the eyes which furiously burn for our love. let's be changed by Him and be used to change.

"...But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Please help celebrate my 22nd birthday with me!

Janet's Birthday for a Cause

"How am I then a villain
To counsel Cassio to this parallel course,
Directly to his good?
Divinity of hell!
When devils will the blackest sins put on
They do suggest at first with heavenly shows
As I do now."

Othello

There are some days when I just get blasted by nostalgia. Today... One of those days haha. But something's different. Less of bitter, more of sweet? There isn't a certain memory or person I'm lulling over, and there's no residue of the coulda-woulda-shouldas. I'm enjoying who I am and the story that made this person.

I won't let my past dictate my present. However, I won't forget or discard where I come from and what I've seen and done. As hard as it can be sometimes, I'll live in gratitude of all that makes me into me.

I'm recognizing the reality of the control I have over my life and that I'm even responsible for my sense of individuality, peace, happiness.

It's up to me to allow or refuse my past, my mistakes to control me. It's TIRING to try and be someone I'm not and don't even like to be, attempting to compensate for worth I never lacked. Man it feels awesome to actually like me for ME, to be totally fine being in my own skin. I like that I'm awkward. I like that I can love, as minuscule as it can be. I like that I'm even oversensitive, because I'd rather be so than apathetic. I like that I'm actually an introvert, and that it's okay to want to be alone, it's okay to not be constantly outgoing. I like that I have all the ability, potential, and intelligence to do anything I put my heart and mind into.

Daily, it's OUR decision - no one else to blame - to be disabled by guilt and shame, paralyzed with fear, because of our pains and failures. We can just as simply choose to live in that freedom which comes from having some real faith in ourselves.

Yeah so news flash: I'm imperfect. I always have been and I always will be. But there's so much freedom in being okay with that and choosing to believe in my utmost value and potential - unconditional to what people think about me and what my past and my failures say about me.

It's my right to look forward with hope, to recognize my worth, and to fulfill my potential in all areas of life. As human beings, don't we deserve at least this?

"Morning of America" - Blue Scholars

"Reflections and questions and not enough answers
The rise of gang banging was the death of the Panthers
Short shorts, tube socks, city a boondocks
Everywhere somebody trying to moon walk
Rocksteady Crew, jams with Steve Pool
Sight beyond sight
Yo I pulled roots like Super Mario 2
A bowl full of Cheerios
Looking back just say no was not enough
To sweep dust under carpet when the visitors came
Cities became, and temporary wealth manifested in chains
MJ became chosen, free Mandela was the slogan of the moment
To the mobile DJs with the pompadour fades
Rocking Debbie Deb and Stevie P all day
When I hear music I can't wait to rock
New shoes nothing less than some fresh high tops and
Things happen for a reason they say
But I say there's a reason things happen
And it wasn't all good way back in the day
Struggled then struggled now still standing
Things happen for a reason they say
But I say there's a reason things happen
And it wasn't all good way back in the day
Struggled then struggled now still standing

Come on
On and on like the song goes
I wonder if we've took the wrong road
And it seems like so long ago
But you know where to go if you ever come home
Now on and on like the song goes
And I wonder if we've took the wrong road
And it seems like so long ago
But you know where to go if you ever come home"

bgirl?!?

A couple of my friends have been getting into breakdancing.

Now.

I'm not much of a dancer. LOL. I'm awkward, clumsy, self-conscious- everything that I find dancers not. But ever since I was 15, I wanted to get into popping and locking (breaking seemed too epic for me so it never even crossed my mind). However, I felt stupid and I hate being a novice at things, so I kept quitting early haha. But after my friend talked to me about it, I remembered that everyone sucks in the beginning and it's okay to feel like I'm stampeding on major cities and calling it dancing.

The more I'm learning about the culture and history of breaking and the more vids I watch, the more I want to take part in it. Yeah I admit to look really awesome, which may never happen, but also because I feel like I can somewhat relate to its history and what it stands for.

I didn't grow up in the Bronx and I've lived thus far a relatively comfortable and wealthy life. But like many brothers and sisters, I have my own story, with the good and the bad.

I enjoy writing but when it comes to expressing myself, it doesn't satisfy me... Besides, music has always been a huge part of my life. I was born melodramatic haha I wish I got into dancing when I was younger. Breaking has this aggressiveness that's extremely appealing to me haha I feel like I can effectively vent out my anger and hurt if I got good enough at it. I want to become fluent in breaking and make it my own language! And have swag like CL. Hahahah.

We'll see how long this lasts :D.

The Freshest Kids